Drop Dead
by simply-rosali
Summary: The final battle between Harry and Voldemort... with a touch of humor.


**Title** : Drop Dead

 **Author name:** Rosali

 **Author email:** ciliotta 

**Category:** Parody

 **Sub Category:** Humor

 **Keywords:** Drop Dead Last Battle

 **Rating** : PG-13

 **Spoilers:** SS/PS, CoS, PoA, GoF, OoTP

 **Summary:** The final battle... with a little of both Harry and Voldemort's 'touch' and some help from the forces of nature and the forces of the impossible.

 **DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or Trademark infringement is intended.

Y'all know I don't own any of these charis. If I did, I wouldn't be posting this in a webpage, duh!

Drop Dead

 _A/N: This is the first time I do a parody, so I hope it is funny lol. I'm having a terribly frustrating writer's block right now, so maybe this will help… I hope so. Happy reading._

The ground lay spluttered with blood and a growing nausea rose in Harry's throat, revolving his stomach uncomfortably. 'Why couldn't you use little cleaner ways?' he asked the wounded group behind him.

'Well, we had muggle weapons—' Neville said matter-of-factly.

'And we wanted to use them,' Ron added with a shrug.

He rolled his eyes. 'Typical.'

'Aw, don't be such a pussy, Harry. It's just blood, see?' Ginny came closer and tasted a little she'd picked from a Death Eater nearby. 'Hm… this is good.'

He frowned in disgust. 'What are you, a vampire now?'

Ginny looked thoughtful for a moment. 'Come to think about it, I may be part-vampire.'

Harry let out a breath. 'Whatever,' he said and continued walking between the dead bodies.

'Uhm… Harry? Where are you going?'

He turned to face Hermione. 'Hello? Boy who has to defeat the Dark Lord or die, here?'

'Yeah, sure. But that's the other way,' Hermione said annoyed with a pointed look at him.

'Ah, right.'

'Harry wants to go meet the Snorcacks, they are on the other side of the hill,' Luna put in helpfully, with a smile.

'Why can't you be normal?'

'Depends on your definition of normal, Harry,' Luna said in a _very_ academical and serious tone and continued. 'If normal is having a hero / Alexander the Great, complex, then I'd rather just stick with the I'm-Loony-Lovegood-the-weird image, than the I'm-The-Boy-Who-Lived-and-I-have-to-kill-Voldemort-or-the-world-is-doomed one,' she finished, much to the others' astonishment.

Ron gaped at her and then strode closer. 'I didn't know you were a Frears "Hero" follower _or_ new-age illustrated for that matter. I also prefer to stick with the hero's-sidekick-that-gives-him-moral-support-and-comic-relief title. Much less stressful.'

'Exactly my point!' Luna smirked at him. 'You're actually turning me on; I didn't know you were a new-age illustrated as well.'

Ron took her in his arms and they started a passionate snogging session right there. Harry looked at them open mouthed. 'Ron! Aw, give me a break!'

Ginny stared at his brother and her friend, and then at Hermione. 'I think you're needed,' she said and then turned to Neville. 'Wanna make out? Everyone else is,' she said with a shrug. Neville shrugged back and they started kissing.

Hermione rolled her eyes at Ginny. 'When did she become such a slut?' she wondered out loud.

'Probably after Michael Corner, when she started taking turns with each of the Gryffindor boys, and then the Ravenclaw boys, and then the Hufflepuff… not sure if she managed to get to the Slytherins though,' Harry shrugged.

'Oh well! If this is the moment of truth and I may never see you again, alive, that is…' she said and kissed him deeply. 'I love you, Harry. I think I always knew it, but never had the guts to say it,' she said nervously, and then added more confidently, 'then there was also that small matter of some red-head woman with a pen and a notebook who was obsessed with me getting together with him,' she pointed at Ron with her thumb and shuddered in disgust.

Ron emerged from his snogging session with Luna. 'Hey! She wasn't the only one!'

'And he is yummy too!' Luna finished.

'Still, no offense, but ew!'

'Whatever, ' Ron said and made a face at his friend before getting back to Luna.

'Hey! We're trying to state life-changing feelings here!' Harry protested.

'Right. Well, I love you. Always have,' she said again and kissed him once more.

Harry smiled; this had touched him, especially since he'd been hiding his own feelings for so long. He looked into her eyes and cradled her face in his hands. 'I love you too Hermione, and will always do,' he said softly, kissing her back deeply as well.

She was so glad this was finally out of her system. As he kissed her back, she took her hands to his back. After a moment, one of them slid down to his thighs and squeezed gently. With a wicked grin, she kissed him lightly on the lips again. 'You have to get back alive to get these special treats,' she said and smirked, pulling away from his embrace and taking a step back. 'Now go kick his ugly arse, Harry!' she said with a loving and full of lust smile.

Harry shuddered at her gesture and his eyes widened as she pulled away. 'Now _that's_ a way to encourage someone!' he said with a stupid lovers grin and darted off.

He saw Voldemort from faraway and immediately threw the killing curse at him. Taken by surprise, he fell back and lay motionless on the ground. Harry frowned and cocked his head to a side. 'That was easy,' he said and started to walk away.

Moments later, a jet of green light flew past his ear and he gasped. He turned around to see a standing Voldemort, rubbing his side, where the curse had hit him. 'Should've imagined it wouldn't be that easy.'

Voldemort was striding towards him, laughing at his naiveness. 'You think I'm _that_ stupid? I am offended to see how much you've underestimated me,' he said slowly.

'Can't blame a guy for trying, can you?' he retorted, getting over the shock of seeing a dead rise… for the second time in three years.

'Guess not, Avada Kedavra!' The curse almost hit Harry, but he ducked just in time, secretly thanking Dudley for making him so fast at dodging punches.

'Can't blame you either, eh?' he asked with a smirk. Voldemort shrugged. 'And I must say that you've _got_ to work on your aim, dearest Evil Mastermid.'

'It's been a while, plus, usually my victims are lying on the floor and begging when I hit them, so they are pretty steady at my shot. Right, why didn't I think of it before?' he slapped his palm against his white forehead and turned to Harry. 'Crucio!'

Harry revolved in pain for a moment and then managed a shielding charm that repelled the attack. He shook his head. 'Of course! Duh!' he told himself. 'Stupefy!'

'Bombarda!'

They threw the curses at the same time, and once again, just like three years ago, the wands linked and started to get warmer.

'Oh, bloody hell!' Harry cursed out loud and let go off his wand.

'Not again! Shouldn't we at least have the Wizardring World's greatest duel at wand point? Could you please give me that?' Voldemort asked at the sky. A lightning echoed in the night and he shook his head with a sigh. 'Aw, all right! Fine!' he said and he let go off his wand at the same time as Harry did.

'Wandless magic it is then! Or maybe you'd rather,' he stretched his hand and two swords came soaring through the air, 'duel the knights' way?'

Voldemort took the sword that was suspended in the air and acquired the duelling position. 'We'll do it your way then,' he said with a wicked smile.

They started their sword fight. Harry attacked, Voldemort defended; he attacked back, straight to the chest and Harry ducked. A while went that way: they attacked, ducked, jumped, attacked again and defended at the same time. Suddenly, Harry made a feint and then buried the tip of the sword on Voldemort's chest.

'Ha! It was about time too!' Harry cried with satisfied glee and turned around to walk back to where his friends were. Suddenly, something hard hit him on the back of the head and he fell forward.

Rubbing his head where a pipe had just hit him, he frowned. 'Ow! Where did you get that?!' he said turning around

'Around,' Voldemort answered with a shrug.

He continued. 'Didn't I just kill you?' Voldemort kept laughing in Harry's face. 'What on earth is so funny? Did the fact that I'm kicking your flat arse the old muggle way escaped your attention?' he asked angrily.

Between chuckles that were making his sides hurt, he managed to speak. 'You, using lame lines from Hollywood Blockbusters based on comic heroes. Apparently you're greatness delirium went a little further, eh, boy?'

'Your laugh is so annoying, all high pitched and girly. Didn't anyone tell you before? Gee, what kind of allies do you have?' Harry said, making the same pipe fly back to Voldemort. He ducked, but it was too late and the pipe hit him on the stomach, knocking the air from him. Harry laughed, 'Harry three, Big Bad Dark Lord one.'

Gathering his composure again, he stood. 'As a matter of fact, they have. But they don't repeat it, for I torture them whenever they say something I don't like, so go figure.' He acquired a rather thoughtful posture for a moment and then focused on Harry again. 'Come to think of it, it is rather amusing to see them revolving in pain,' he chuckled and then sobered. 'But if you joined me, then you could say those things and I wouldn't torture you… that much. I would even let you torture them for me. Come on, you know you would love it'

'Every teenager's dream. To torture his parents that are ruining their lives and anyone else that doesn't understand him. Oh! Right! I don't _have_ parents! Because you _killed_ them!' he said with a falsely excited smile.

Voldemort cocked his head to a side, a sheepish smirk on his lips. 'Ah— well, that was just a misdemeanour. See, I was going for you but they got in the way and— you know how that works. You very kindly demonstrated it when getting past my guards; you know they had families too, right?'

Harry rolled his eyes. 'The old trick… save it, seen it all before. From you, actually.' His face changed and he shot his hand down, making a big pump fall on him.

Voldemort looked up just in time to repel the fifteen feet metal piece and throw it back to Harry. 'You forgot that!' he exclaimed and then stopped, astounded. 'Where did you get it?'

He suspended it in mid-air with both his hands and a screwed-up face in concentration. 'It was a gift from— me— to you!' and the pump flew back towards the Dark Lord. 'And I found it… around.'

He rolled is eyes and dismissed it with one hand; he sighed. 'It's a bummer that we can't duel with wands, isn't it?'

Harry had to agree that he might've had a point there. 'Yeah, it is. But makes it a lot more fun, don't you reckon?'

He shook his head. 'No, it's just— vexing'

'Aren't we a Lexical Master?'

'Yeah, well. I did my share on reading while you kept me powerless. But just imagine, Harry! Imagine how much power we'd have if we were to become partners!' he said with such excitement that you could've sworn his eyes twinkled… if they've had irises.

'You never stop, do you?'

'I like to consider myself a persevering one.'

'Oh yeah. I can surely see that.'

'Come on, come with me. I'll even make you my protégé,' he said in a sweet voice that reminded Harry so much of Umbridge that it was sickening.

'Sorry mate, your offer is very tempting, and you're all powerful and all… but you're too annoying for my taste. Avada Kedavra!' Harry finally yelled, as his wand darted to his open hand. The jet of green light hit Voldemort square on the chest; he fell back and Harry smiled at himself, turning around to walk away.

Not too long after, he was getting up yet again –for the fourth time–, and spoke, 'leaving the party so soon, sweetheart?' Voldemort said, and he used again that falsely sweet voice that itched Harry's guts.

He turned around with a scowl. 'Who's the one using lame Hollywood villain lines now?' he asked with a smirk. 'And as much as your red eyes and slit pupils are an utter turn-on, the chalk-white skin is a bit too much. Besides, I already have my arms full with Ron and Hermione,' he said dismissively.

Voldemort's eyes widened as if he were disappointed and heart-broken. 'Why? But we could have such cute little green-eyed, snake-like babies?' he asked and his voice turned low and sinister.

'Ugh! Not a nice picture. That image will haunt my dreams from here to eternity!' he said with a disgusted nose-wrinkling.

'Are you calling me ugly?' his voice raised.

'Well, no offence, but the lipless mouth takes points from you,' he said and turned around, walking away. This whole business of him not dying was starting to get on his nerves.

'You will regret not having joined me!' his voice thundered through the silent night and he prepared to perform a deadly spell on Harry.

He stopped and rolled his eyes with a sigh. 'Why can't you just drop dead?' he said, taking his hands to his head and throwing them back down.

A moment later, a loud thump of something hitting the ground echoed and Harry sucked in a breath. Slowly turning around, he saw the motionless figure of his nemesis, right at his feet. The once all-feared Dark Lord lay dead in the spot.

Harry stared at the lifeless corpse and then he rolled his eyes. 'Why didn't I think of it before?'

 **C'EST FINI**


End file.
